Why so confused?. Can I be honest… | by Pre.Nwa

Can I be honest…

With myself that is, I have no real sense of self. Perhaps this is the reason I have spent many years jumping from one business to the next, one hobby to the next, one purpose to the next. At my core more than anything I long to be seen, whether it be from art, poetry, design or business, I long for the validation of the worthy. This is a disgusting shaky foundation to build a life of purpose, it is not cemented to on real mission. Do I long to offer beauty to the world through art , to create comfort and confidence through clothing , solutions and profit through business , yes, but why? So people will applaud, so they will like me? Argh, so what propels endurance when the comments are still and hands are pressed shut in disapproval? The answer is nothing.

Nothing! Absolutely nothing, this is why I quit, why I invest in the next thing before the first yields result. I used to think it was because I was a polymath, hmm, I have many interests sure, but do I desire to work to be exceptional in all? Do I even invest the time and interest to just be mediocre but consistent? Clearly not, if that was the case I would be successful in at-least one but I’m not, so clearly my descriptors would be more, easily distracted, validation chasing , discomfort avoiding , dreamer.

Ah yes, I stay consistent in my dreams at-least, but absolutely nothing else. The effects of this gross motivation of validation is that when you get older another variable is added to be strongly considered in your plans towards living purposefully, survival. In other words, MONEY. In the chase for acceptance and money there’s really nothing left to pour out towards creating real value. You have sown all your seeds in the desert to arrive at fertile land empty handed and bitter. Which I very much am, bitter that is, for where is the flourishing garden I have dreamt all the years, why am I exhausted and still in lack, it is a bitter reality to live confused and foolish.

Even now I wonder what truly shall I spend the rest of my life striving towards, fashion, marketing, art. I’ve resurrected this corpse of a poorly maintained blog because somewhere in me I think , how about writer? A podcaster? A house wife? A YouTuber?

Unfortunate is the man hungry for attention, he will find one day he is lost in unknown lands , unsure of who he is , in whoms shoes he walks because he has spent eternity shapeshifting for cheers and greetings. At this point I can only hope to God I will do something meaningful with at least one of my talents, surely I have wasted the remaining five, perhaps if I invest in the last one a servant shall not meet the wrath of his master, but again I ask which?

How I wish I could remember who I was before emptiness consumed me. Where did I lay when I was satisfied in life? What home did I leave seeking validation?

Source link