Why my NYSC platoon hated me. First off, wearing little short shorts… | by Ibim Graham

First off, wearing little short shorts and oiling myself up in public is not really something I’m used to…

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Unfortunately, short shorts and a fully oiled shirtless body was exactly what my platoon wanted me to do at NYSC camp in Mangu, Plateau State, 2019. By the end of camp, let me just tell you, 90% of my platoon ended up hating me. And honestly,

I don’t blame them.

For those of you that have already gone for camp, you know the drill. You get the chance to compete in different competitions for your platoon: football, parade, drama, dance, singing, Mr. Macho, Miss NYSC, Mr. Cute and Corporate, all of that.

Basically, once you enter camp, you automatically become free labor for whichever activity your platoon thinks you fit into.

Now me, I’m 6’2”…

So, the moment I stepped into camp, the soldiers already sealed my fate. “This one na parade material. Tall boy. No escape.” Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

But the problem started when my platoon prefect — a girl with energy like she owned the whole of NYSC — gathered the others and decided that I must also represent them for Mr. Cute and Corporate or Mr. Macho. Basically, they wanted me to stand on stage, smile, and strut like a model.

The macho one was even worse — shirtless flexing and rubbing oil on your chest in front of strangers.

Let’s be real, let’s be Madrid — oiling myself up in public? Nah. That’s not something I’m used to.

So I told her straight: “I’m not doing Mr. Cute and Corporate, and I’m not doing Mr. Macho.” She looked at me, hissed, and said “Okay, no problem”. I thought that was the end. Oh, I was so wrong.

The very next day, I walked into our platoon meeting and saw them huddled up, whispering to our coordinator. Before I even got close, the whole platoon turned and started pointing: “Ma, that’s him! That’s the guy that said he won’t do Mr. Cute and Corporate for us!”

In my mind I’m like, “Ah-ahn, why una dey set me up like this?”

The coordinator just looked me dead in the eye and said, “Don’t worry, you’re going to do it.”

And I said, “I’m actually not going to do it.”

She said again, “You are going to do it.”

I said, “Yeah, but I’m actually not going to do it.”

One thing about me, if I say I’m not doing something, I’m not doing it — unless maybe there’s a fine girl involved.

So I left that meeting thinking I had stood my ground. Only for a soldier, (one of the ones assigned to our platoon) to block me off on my way to mami market for lunch.

He shouted “I.B!”

That’s what they called me in camp because for some reason nobody could pronounce my name “Ibim”.

Soldier: “I.B. You said you’re not going to do Mr. Cute and Corporate for us?”

I just laughed. “Sir, no be my thing be that. I told them I’m not interested.” — I tried to explain.

This man wasn’t having it. He started calling random girls walking past: “Come, look at this guy. What do you think he should do for camp?”

And the girls would say, “Ah, Mr. Cute and Corporate na!”

And then this soldier leaned close to my face, squared up like we were in a ring, and said:

“I.B, look me well. If you no do am, na me go do am???”

I tried not to laugh. Like what is even happening right now? Why is it such a big deal?

At that point I made my decision. I told him: “Look, just put me on that football pitch. Football is the only way I can show my value in this camp. Forget Mr. Cute and Corporate.”

Finally, after all the drama, they agreed. They left me alone to play ball for the platoon.

But guess what? The results of all the competitions were in;

Mr. Cute and Corporate — We took Last place.

Mr. Macho — Second to last.

However, the few competitions I participated in;

Football — We still took last place

Parade — We took second to last place…

Yeahhhh… turns out even the areas I thought I could be more useful in, we still flopped. I’m laughing right now as I’m typing this.

What you should take from this story

Now, looking back, I understand why they were so pressed. In camp, those platoon competitions are like life and death. Winning brings bragging rights, sometimes even very good placements for winners and coordinators afterwards. So when I refused to participate in events that I had a very good chance of winning for the platoon, it must have been frustrating for them.

However, here’s the thing: not every spotlight is for everybody, that’s a lesson I carried out of NYSC camp.

See, there’s this unspoken pressure in Nigerian culture to always “represent” when others choose you. Secondary school, university, camp — it’s the same thing. Once people think you fit a role, they expect you to perform, no questions asked. If you refuse, you’re automatically tagged as proud, lazy, or unserious.

But truth be told, sometimes it’s not pride. Sometimes you just know what suits you and what doesn’t. And forcing yourself into the wrong lane just to please people usually ends in disaster.

That’s the thing about peer pressure — it feels so heavy in the moment, but once you leave that environment, it dissolves like pure water in sun.

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation — whether it’s NYSC, work, or life — remember my story. It’s better to “carry last” doing what suits you than to suffer in something that was never your lane in the first place.

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