What Being Envious Feels like. It’s hard to shape yourself if you’ll… | by Kris | Aug, 2025

I have always been an envious person, it’s actually the first thing that I noticed about myself ever since I was a kid. However, I never really showed that side of me to anyone. Not even in a joking manner. When someone is better than me at something, it makes me quiet, and I can’t control how expressionless my face gets when that happens. Especially when it’s about something that I really like. I can’t smile, frown, or anything at all. But for the sake of hiding my envious side, I smile a little to show that I support them. But it goes away quickly, and I even pretend to do something else to not be involved in the conversation any longer.

Some might say that this can help me have more motivation to improve myself at the specific field that were talked about in the conversation. But it’s not that easy. Maybe I can accept it if it’s someone I don’t know but it’s always the people that are close to me that makes me feel small. “Forget it, someone’s already great at it, why bother” is what’s in my mind when I meet someone better. It’s even worse when that someone is new to that field and you’re the one who introduced them to that activity. I felt betrayed. I feel inferior every time this happens. What am I even doing?

Being envious doesn’t make me cry, doesn’t make me sad, it makes me angry. Aside from being expressionless, I sigh a lot, I facepalm, and then I stare at nothing for a few minutes. It’s like I’m trying my best not to get mad. I thought I’d never have a problem about this but now I don’t even want to talk to my friend anymore. It doesn’t mean I hate them, I also don’t lie when I say I’m happy for them. But I probably would’ve been happier and more supportive if they’re not too high from where I am.

I guess I’m a bad friend. But it’s too hard, it’s like every effort I make is not resulting to anything. I feel so pathetic.