To You, My Old Self. An untold story you all need to know | by Toboo | Oct, 2025
When you were in elementary school, you said you don’t want to be a smoker, don’t want to drink alcohol, and drugs. But you tried smoking for the first time when you were in 4th grade and start enjoying it in middle school. In middle school, you try every bad things like alcohol and drugs (synthetic), and also sex.
You fought with another school in 7th grade, also you start drinking alcohol in this grade. Even though it’s cheap you really like it so much, they say “minuman kampungan”. However, you just trying to live the life and you were just a kid who’s looking for his identity and wants to live like a normal teenager. The first time you started your relationship was in 7th grade. Even though it’s just a “fake relationship”, you learned something new especially about relationship. You know what to do to your partner, how to give her an attention, etc. Well that was just a fake relationship in the end, she wants to end it and you just said “okay”. You didn’t feel anything, too innocents but at least you’ve learned something new. Then you for the first time in a “real relationship” with someone from other class. It just lasted for 3 months and doesn’t get a happy ending because you were the one who said break up to her. The reason is so childish, you just bored. What a stupid reason. I think the sprout of all your stupidity in a relationship starts from here. Well, again, you were just a kid.
“You’re still learning.”
8th grade, you now become more wilder than before. You have more friends now even you have many friends from another school. You fought with another school again, 5v5. Our school won the fight though but you end up bruised. You have big scars on your face and when your mom asked you what happened you said “kejedot gagang pintu”. It’s a funny reason but you just don’t wanna get caught. You start a relationship again and it’s just only lasted for a year. You fall in love with her and she was your first experience. You met her in 8th grade. she was the person who gave you comfort, love, and warm in the cold and wild life. She was smart, and she was a student council at school. Sometimes when you have a problem in school, she defensed you so you were not guilty. You two love each other so much. She was the first person you had sex with and for the first time you have sex because of love. For the first time you live in someone’s soul, you became one with her, you live in her body and vice versa. But in eighth month you broke up with her. During your break up, you start another relationship with your friend’s cousin. This was just an escape for you and it only lasts about a month, maybe not even a month. Then you continued with her for four months. In the end you broke up with her again because you were too busy. You were never there when she was alone and need someone. But there’s another reason why you are like that. You fight with your dad then you take it all out on her and at the same time you escape by hanging out with your friends. You angry, you blamed her then you realized that you are such a jerk. You broke her heart again. You blamed yourself so you ask her to break up with you. She didn’t want to but the ending is you broke up with her. After you two broke up, she still trying to reach you just to get you back to her but you refuse to get back. You are running too close to the cliff yet too far to turn back. How stupid and childish you are. You ran away. So you swear not to repeat the same mistake. She was close to your parents btw.
“Why did you do something stupid? You said you wanted to be loved. You dissapoint me. You will regret it.”
In 2019 pandemic occured and made schools around the world start a new system, online schools. 9th grade, your school is doing online school but only doing assignments and once a week you come to school just to give your assignments, no zoom meeting or new materials. So you spent 9th grade just hanging out with your friends from night to morning. Sometimes from night to night. You’ve become wilder than before, you drink alcohol every night, not too often but yea. But all your friends, peoples around you give you comfort even in a bad way. You were not alone or lonely. The pandemic era is one of the best eras you have ever lived through, even though you became wilder you know your limits (don’t know yet).
You’re now a high school student. At first you thought it would be boring because of the pandemic and online school. But who expect you will meet your old friend again from elementary school. Without him, you would probably be the nerdy type in your school. Thanks to him, because of him you have an interesting life in high school. Now you have a friend group in 10th grade, you discord with them every night sometimes, and make your first beautiful memories in high school. Oh, and your friend in your hometown go to the same school as you. He was supposed to be one year above you but he repeated a year and now he is in the same year as you. He’s like a brother to you. His name is Je, and there is one more person who’s like a brother to you, his name is Mir. You guys have each other’s back. Never forget them for the rest of your life. Okay, let’s continue the story, in 10th grade you got your first problem in high school life. You fighting with your senior. It all started when your friend group, you guys are very close, physical touch is common here but one of your friends is in a relationship with a senior. Her partner was jealous and very unhappy especially to you. You might ask why but to be honest I don’t know either, maybe it’s because we’re all too close so her partner didn’t like you. He tells all his friends something that makes you weird in their eyes. At first you didn’t care at all until a senior made fun of your dad and the feud between you and your seniors started to get heated. It’s funny that her partner relies on all his friends just to bring you down. In the end, you fight not with her partner, but with her partner’s friend who is known as ‘Robot’ in high school. It was really weird, right? A person who has a problem with you doesn’t want to face you alone, but relies on his friends like bruhh… you are one year above me. Even though you lost the fight, your seniors appreciated and respected you because you were brave. You once said you wanted to be a good student, a quiet student when you entered high school. You don’t want to be the student you were in middle school. That’s right, you’re not the same as you were in middle school. You’ve changed, I mean at least you’re not curious about ‘it’ anymore. Now the seniors know you, they all know your name. Your high school era is starting to get more interesting.
You haven’t changed, you’re still the same disgusting person.
You once had a relationship with a girl from another school. Still in the 10th grade, you are close to one of your friends from middle school, she’s from another high school. Schools go hybrid due to the pandemic, meaning half of all students are in school while the other half are at home, conducting meetings via Zoom. You and her get to know each other better and then started a situationship. No, it was friends with benefits. You always invited her to come to your place after school, not too often. You invited her just to have sex with her. Every time she comes over to your place, all you do was sex. After two weeks have passed (maybe), you get into a relationship with her. Just to have sex. In other words, you’re in a relationship with her just to fuck her every time she comes over to your place. Lust relationship. You and her didn’t last long, of course not you stupid bastard. She calls you during the day and she wants to break up with you, She said she doesn’t want to see your face again. She realized it wasn’t good for her, she knew that you were just using her body. You want her because your lust wants her. You never loved her, you just loved her when you fucked her. She said she didn’t want to see your face again. Strangely you cry. Why the fuck are you crying, you bastard? What the fuck are you crying about? Is it because you can’t fuck her anymore, or what? You disgusting. So disgusting. How can you cry if every time you call her to come to your place, it’s just to have sex with her. You need her because of your lust, not because of you heart. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Do you wanna know how disgusting you are? Sometimes you wish she would come back so you could fuck her again. I swear, you are the most disgusting person ever!
I really hate you, ton… If I could kill you right now, I would kill myself
I hate how disgusting I used to be. Every time I remembered that shit, I’ve always kinda hated myself. I always wondered what made you become like that? You were born into a family that never had ‘those’ problems. The only problem you ever had was when you fought with your dad but after I grew up, I realized that it was also your fault. When dad calls you to come home because it was past 12 AM, you didn’t want to go home. It was your fault. It was my fault.
