Talking to My God | by the brain dump | Oct, 2025

A few weeks ago, I wished something bad for myself. In the back of my mind, I was quietly saying that I wanted something I called “death.” But it wasn’t nothing – it wasn’t meaningless. It was because there was so much pressure, so many responsibilities, and things I couldn’t control. My routine was killing me somehow. I kept looking down, and the people I trusted were looking down on me. They thought they were better. They didn’t really care – what they cared about was themselves.

I think they want to help me because they cage me. It’s like they want to raise me because they know they can make me their puppet, and I don’t want that. I know I owe them something – aku berhutang budi kepada mereka – but I don’t want to live like that all the time. I don’t know how to escape. I feel so devastated. I feel so tired. And every time I try to be proud of myself, they somehow put me down, as if I’m not that great. They think like that. They just want to show off to people that they “raised” me, that I’m the daughter of their friend who died from COVID, and that they can get a good label from that.

Maybe it works like that, even though they’re helping me. But I feel trapped. Every bit of help feels like another tie holding me down. Every day, every task, I want to do it well – better, even – but when everything comes at once, I can’t handle it. I can’t bear it. I get stressed and think my work won’t get better. Yesterday and last Friday, I felt like crying – and I did cry, a little. Everything just feels like that. I feel like stupidity is consuming me, but…