silvia. experience: may, 2021. costa rica… | by Lindy Ehemann

experience: may, 2021. costa rica. written: summer, 2022.

a costa rican medium tells me there are seven generations of female trauma on my mothers line and that my soul came to this lineage to heal it. she says it the same way you would tell someone they have something stuck in their teeth. i hear these words and stare blankly back at her and tell her i need to sit with more ayahuasca. she says i can drink all the ayahuasca in the jungle and it won’t matter if i never learn to integrate what she’s taught me. no amount of ceremony matters if you don’t put in the work in your conscious life. in the end the work is ours to do.

i resent her deeply for this. because i know she is right.

but the thought of doing the work ahead of me feels insurmountable, even though i’ve been doing it my whole life. it’s precisely because i’ve been doing it my whole life that the exhaustion consumes. how could there possibly be more.

and i just want to be done.

and the only thing i want more desperately than to un-know everything is to know infinitely more.

i came to her because i wanted her to spell out what i needed to do. where i needed to go. who i needed to be.

as though her voice could string together some combination of words that would liberate me.

i’m looking outside, because i can’t bear to look in.

but i know that the only place to go, is inward.

that the only place to go, is deeper.

that the only place to go is the one place no one else can take me.

Press enter or click to view image in full size