She Didn’t Want This — Part 5: Poor Unfortunate Souls | by Saeed Hasani

I felt sad about my own sadness. Last night — 15 Sept — was like hell. I still can’t believe what was happening to me last night. It started with severe crying and chest pain, and then suicidal thoughts appeared with panic-like signs. It had happened to me before, but this time the pain was out of my control. It was biting me like a wild rattlesnake, and I was numb and could do nothing about it.

I cut my left wrist with two razors, starting with one vein and then others. Blood began to spread all through my hand and fingers, then onto my carpet, and then the floor turned red. I don’t know whether I was lucky or not, but I got a headache because of the blood loss and I collapsed before making a death scene.

When I woke up, it was morning, and with all the blood around me, my wrist was like a milkshake of blood clots, but still bleeding very slowly. I couldn’t understand why I did it, really.

This is what happens to me sometimes. When everything gets dark in my mind, I lose control and it makes me end up like this.

I felt sad about being ME. Why didn’t I love myself enough to stop such a thing from happening to me?

My only medicine is Chopin: Nocturnes, Op. 9, №2 in E-flat major, Andante.

This is my compassion song. This is the song that makes me think less darkly about life. But there is this song by Adam Hurst that understands me the most when I am sad: “Empty Sky.”

Dear readers, please love yourself and let this love spiral. In order to love anyone else, you need to love yourself first.

Listen to your inner child and try to hug him warmly. Try to be kind to him instead of imprisoning him. As you might have heard in the animation The Little Mermaid: “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

We are poor, unfortunate souls in this world who look for being loved and accepted. If we don’t love ourselves deeply, nobody else will.

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