Sexuality as a Driving Force. I used to be wild. Then, after the… | by Burnout IT-Guy (de/en) | Voices of Mental Illness | Jul, 2025

I used to be wild. Then, after the birth of my daughter, I became calmer, more grounded. But sexuality has always been a driving force for me — not just physically, but as something deeper that gave me direction.

During my depression, it was often the one thing that brought me back to life. It energized me, gave me a sense of meaning when everything else felt empty.

Things didn’t work out for me relationship-wise in Germany. Eventually, I found someone on a Filipino dating site — again, driven by that inner urge. The desire was strong enough to make me board long-distance flights, even though I actually hate flying.

My daughter had become seriously ill, and I often worried about her. At some point, I felt the urge to have another child — maybe as a form of hope, a new beginning. It motivated me deeply.

At the time, I was taking 5 mg of Abilify daily to stabilize myself. But this emotional high — feeling like I had a purpose again — led me to stop the medication. Maybe that was a mistake. On top of that, my family was against the relationship. Some were vocal, others just quietly disapproving. They were also clearly against the idea of me having more children.

In the end, I don’t know exactly what triggered it — but I slipped into another psychosis. In the hospital, I broke down completely. It felt unbearable to watch everything I had hoped for collapse under pressure — from both my mind and the voices around me.

Still, sexuality remains a powerful force. It can lift you out of the darkest places. But it can also be dangerous if you let it take over completely.

Now in my 40s, and after several psychotic episodes, I’ve distanced myself from the idea of having more children. My professional life also took a hit due to my illness. But that inner drive — the desire for intimacy, for vitality — still resurfaces, just like it did in my youth.

I believe every human being, in some way, longs for sexual fulfillment. That’s why we shouldn’t judge it so harshly. For many, it’s a life force that pulls them forward. But as with any strong impulse, it needs to be balanced — otherwise, it can take over and lead you astray.