Not All Red Flags Are Loud — Some Just Feel Wrong | by bOkA

Fast forward to recently.

Out of nowhere, he told me he was coming to meet me. He even took a train — around 30 minutes — just to see me.

At that point, we hadn’t spoken in a while. I appreciated the effort, though. I figured it must be important.

When we met, he casually mentioned:

“It’s my birthday today.”

That caught me off guard. I didn’t know. I felt kinda bad. So, I offered to go buy him a cake and then Party. You know, do something small at least.

Then suddenly — like a switch flipped — he got a phone call. He looked all serious and told me:

“My grandma called. My dad’s not doing well. Medical emergency. I have to leave… and I want you to come with me.”

Wait, what?

I stood there, confused. Part of me wanted to help, of course. But again, something felt wrong. The timing. The pressure. The emotional weight of it all.

It didn’t sit right with me.

And the more he insisted I come with him… the more that gut feeling returned. Loud and clear.

So I said no.

I wished him well, said goodbye — and didn’t go.

But Maybe That’s Not the Point

I’ve thought about it a lot.
Maybe all the things he said are true. Maybe his life really has been full of pain.
Maybe he genuinely wanted a friend to be there for him on his birthday. Maybe the emergency was real.

But here’s what I’ve realized: You don’t need to be sure. You just need to feel safe.

And I didn’t. Not even a little.

This guy wasn’t a full-time friend. We didn’t talk daily. Sometimes we went months without a word. Yet, whenever we did connect — it was always intense. Like trauma, sadness, guilt, pressure… all rolled into one.

He always seemed like someone who wanted sympathy more than support. Someone who didn’t ask how I was doing — but always had a monologue ready for himself.

And above all, someone who used his pain to guilt me into things.