Mirror Reflections.. Fictional with heavy sprinkles of… | by Sonali

Fictional with heavy sprinkles of truth.

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The mirror on the wall reflects the glimmering dress, disheveled hair, bright red lips, pink cheeks, and assessing eyes, trying to find out how after a whole day of planning the overall result got so bad.

The dress just a day before felt like the best one I could buy; then how did it turn out to be this tacky in the party, looking worst among all the other people who knew what to wear and how to perfectly do their eyeliner.

The phone pings with messages, must be the photos everyone was so excited to click, and I was just trying to stand out of the frame.

I remember arriving at the venue a bit earlier and waiting for others, the time I was alone it felt good to wear the long gown, sparkling earrings and high heels, but the moment people started arriving, I forgot all about enjoying the party, the focus shifted to making the appearance work, to look happy and confident, to not care.

To dance in those heels effortlessly and not let others know that the jealousy monster has taken over,

I look at the photos now, zooming on everyone, thinking what I would have worn instead of the mess, the whispers I heard while passing by two of the girls come to mind, they couldn’t complete what they were saying, but their expression conveyed it all,

And I read them as I always do,

Now sitting on my bed still in the dress, going through all the photos, trying to find the silver lining, I order some food and go into a spiral of self-pity and casual self-loathing,

I know it’s a fictional world my mind has created, where I am this person who will always remain insecure, but the narrative is crafted so well that I can’t overthrow it with all the affirmations in the world.

Then the tears make an appearance, a sign of realization but also of emotions getting processed so I let them slide down my cheeks and let myself seek comfort in the self-pity.

Dehydrated and sad I see the pictures again, if it’s so easy for me to see the shine in other people’s eyes then how does the empathy never reaches me,

The food arrives, the dress is still on, the playlist starts, I take off everything from my hair, the earrings go away so does the pair of heels, wash my face and worries away and dance to the lyrics, somewhere I laugh at myself while thinking about the ten shops I visited in the hopes of finally shining, leaving a mark on others, being someone I am not, sometimes a tear slips away, the pizza tastes great by the way.

Finally, all the thoughts assemble in my brain in the department reserved for such nights, where the difference stands out more than any other day.

Where the makeup, dress, heels and lights can’t outrun the cycle of these thoughts.

I go back to myself and accept all these shortcomings with a defeated smile.

Drinking my water, listening to some upbeat songs I distract myself from these negative emotions, but I know they will leak again during a lecture at school where I will notice how a shirt can be styled in better ways,

The constant comparison making me notice every detail small or huge, the feeling of inferiority setting in seconds.

But that’s for other day, this day is for the disco lights, singing and dancing so we continue till sleeps come over and gives us peace.

And yes, the situation and story end without a resolution,

But someday I am sure there will be one however that’s for another more mature version of me to write.

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