Loneliness: Lonely but not alone. Loneliness isn’t the absence of people… | by lavendermoon | Jul, 2025

Loneliness isn’t the absence of people. It is the absence of being seen.

If there’s anything that anyone can relate to, it is feeling lonely at some point in time. Loneliness is a universal experience that touches everyone at at some point in their lives. Regardless of your background, populatiry, or family dynamic, you at some point have most likely felt alone and or misunderstood.

And the hard part about loneliness is that sometimes, you aren’t truly alone, but you feel like it. That deep hollow feeling in your chest that says ‘I don’t belong’ ‘No one ever gets me’ ‘I have no friends’ ‘I’m going to be alone forever.’ You know it isn’t true, but you can’t help but feel that way. Your brain is tricking you into believing a lie. The funny thing about loneliness, is that you can be in a room full of people, maybe even friends that you are hanging out and even laughing with. Surrounded by people, and yet you still feel alone. And that’t the thing, ‘lonely’ and ‘alone’ are two completely different things.

Being alone is a physical state. It simply means the absense of people. Being alone is good sometimes; it allows you to recharge and have time to yourself, for yourself. I personally love to be alone, reading, writing, or playing one of my instruments. So being alone isn’t the problem. Whereas being alone is a physical state, being lonely is a mental state. It’s how even in a room of friends, you can still feel this way. You feel emotionally disconnected from everyone. Unheard, unseen, unloved. And many times this isn’t the case.

— Storytime —

I remember, one year in middle scchool, my best friend moved away. All my older friends moved to high school, and two of my other friends also left the school. One moved away and the other to another school due to bullying. That year, I felt so lonely. Like I had no one. And in truth, I did have other friends, but none of my close friends were at my lunch period. I had friends from my advanced classes, whom I talked to every day. But I didn’t feel close enough to them to just plop my lunch tray next to them. I ate alone in the library many days. And to be honest, I love the library. The quietness, the solitude. Being surrounded by what I see as the greatest gift in life: words. Some days I went to the music building to play the piano, which I love doing. But there’s a difference between doing these things because I truly wanted to, and doing them because I had to. Those first couple of weeks of school, I didn’t just want to be that kid sitting alone in the corner like a dweeb. Whereas the last school year, lunch had always seemed too short, that year, lunch seemed to stretch on forever.

— I’m sure many of you can relate to this feeling. Being alone in the cafeteria. And if you aren’t in school, maybe it’s at work amoungst your coworkers. But one thing I have learned is that you don’t have to be embarrassed about being seen alone. I remember being so scared of what people would think if I wasn’t constantly surrounded by a million friends in the hallways, laughing and having fun. There is a certain freedom and power in just being by yourself. If itsn’t you not being good enough, it’s having the choice to choose to be in solitude, in your own thoughts, and giving time to yourself to just be.

No one wants to feel lonely. So how can you start to feel seen again?

The first step is to acknowledge this feeling. You’re not weak or dramatic for feeling this way. Loneliness is a very real emotion that all of us, no matter how popular, have all felt. I can promise you, even the most loved music artist of celebrity you can think of has felt it at times.

The next is to reach out. Start small. Send out a text. Organize a small group hang out. Go to the mall or a restaurant with a few friends. Sometimes you feel like no one understands you, and you retreat. Maybe you don’t get invited anymore because people assume you don’t want to anymore. Maybe it will help to open up to someone. About how you truly are feeling. Pick someone you are close with and know won’t judge you. Someone you can be real with. And hopefully this will help them understand how you’ve been feeling, and they can try more to help you feel seen.

Sometimes we only think we aren’t being seen or understood. It’s a lie we are being told. But sometimes it really is true. We hang out with the wrong group of people and they are toxic or just don’t put in that same effort you do. This happens a lot and it’s really sad. When you are the one in the friend group that is always left out, overlooked, or just that background one who’s only there for comedic relief, or when someone needs something.

— I remember that same year in school, when my best friend moved, trying to fit in so hard. To find friends. I became friends with these two kids who were already best friends. On their own, they were great, and we had an awesome time. But when it was all three of us, it was like I was invisible. And to be fair, they had been friends for like forever, and I’d just come along. But it didn’t make me feel that sting any less when I was walking with one of them having a great time, and as soon as the other came, I was abandoned, and they would instantly begin to talk to each other. I was the second option. Never the first. The friend who was there and fun to talk to until a better option came along. It really hurt. And gosh, the double standard. If I did something, like share something I was proud of, “Ohhh, you’re being such a show off” or “It’s really not that big of a deal,” but if one of them did it, it was a hugeee deal, and something to be celebrated. And what did I do? NOTHING. Because I was too scared of being alone, I tolerated it. And to be honest, they’re not bad people, and I’m still friends with them. I just had to distance myself a bit to give myself space, but that didn’t mean I cut them out completely. I just think they didn’t realize what they were doing. They probably never realized that I felt that way, and I should have said something instead of just tolerated it. —

And sometimes we do this. We are so afraid of ending up alone that we put up with other people’s nonsense and don’t see our real worth. And this isn’t just with friendships. This happens ALL the time in romantic relationships, and even with unhealthy family relationships. (But I’ll get into this in another topic.) We lower our standards until they’re well buried underground. And that isn’t ok. You are such an amazing person and should never lower your standards or your worth for ANYONE else. If they can’t see your worth, then they aren’t worth it. But this doesn’t mean you have to immediately cut them out. Sometimes people are blind to the fact that their actions hurt others. I know I have said and done things in the past, unintentionally, that hurt others. When they brought it up, it shed light on these things, and helped me self-reflect and improve. So talk to whoever is making you feel this way. Sit them down to have an honest heartfelt conversation. One where you are not blaming them (even if they truly are to blame) just honestly say what you feel. Don’t say you, you, you, “You always make me feel invisible!” For example. Start with an ‘I statement’: “I feel invisible when…” “I feel lonely right now because…” And sometimes people will listen and get themselves together. And sometimes they won’t. And when this happens, you have to either cut them out of your life or distance yourself. Sometimes you don’t want to cut them out completely, but you do need to start hanging out or texting them less. You can still be close, but not AS close.

YOU are soooo special and important, and your standards need to reflect that. (Not that you have ridiculous standards, like people must be a certain height, or HATE pineapple on pizza to be your friend or partner.) But you should be in relationships, both platonic and romantic, where you feel loved and valued. Never lower yourself for anyone else. Have your standards and let you be yourself, and the right people for you will naturally gravitate your way.

So how did my middle school story end?

When I was hanging out with my two friends, there were only a few weeks left of school. Maybe if it had been earlier in the year, I would have said something, but it was the end of the year, when all the last week’s events were taking place. I didn’t want to be friendless during these events. So for a while, I tolerated it. I texted them continually, trying to make plans for how to meet during the big last event of the school year. There’d be crowds of people and I wanted to make sure we could all find each other when we were dismissed to the back of the school. But they didn’t seem to care whether they found me, as long as the two of them were together. They didn’t even want to go on any of the water rides that I was so looking forward to. They were just going to be inside ‘chilling’, But that wasn’t me. I kept asking people if they wanted to go on the rides with me, and everyone kept saying no. Until I saw this girl who I knew a little through some friends. We had just recently become acquainted and had hung out a bit, but we didn’t really know each other too well. She came up to me and asked, “Hey, are you going to go on the water rides?” I instantly shot up saying, “Omg yesss I’ve been trying to find someone else who wanted to go.” She instantly became excited, and we decided to go together. Although I wasn’t with my two other friends, I had a BLAST with this girl. (I’m not including names to remain anon, sorry) She didn’t ignore me when her other friends approached. She INCLUDED me and made me feel seen. We got all wet and muddy together, ate, took pictures, and she had just as much enthusiasm towards the event as I did. After we’d gotten on all the water rides, she was like “Wanna go again??” and I of course said yes! I hadn’t seen my other two friends at all, but I’d still had an amazing time.

This just goes to show just how sometimes, the people who you think are “your people” or your best friends, aren’t always the people for you. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from your current relationships, and find people who will love and accept you and make you feel seen. This may happen in an instant, like magic, or it may take some time. But the important thing is not to give up and to put yourself out there. If no one wants to hang out at first, don’t retreat into your shell like a hermit crab. Keep trying, reaching out, and if you find yourself with people who aren’t putting in the same amount of effort, or not even close, don’t hesitate to walk away and find those who will.

The right people will see you for you, and love and value it. They will help you feel seen.

And all in all, don’t be afraid to be alone. Feeling lonely is only a page in your story, and you still have so much more to write!

— To the writers, dreamers, and those who just long to be heard —

Thank you for listening to the echo of my thoughts. If you felt seen here, please stick around, for we’re less alone than we think.

If you liked my content, please leave a clap, comment, or follow here. Tell me what you want me to write next, and I will try to get to it as quickly as I can.

I hope you all have a great day, or night, depending on when you read this, and that you feel seen, loved, and appreciated. Know your worth and that you must never lower your standards for anyone. Please know that there is ALWAYS someone there for you, and if it really feels like there isn’t, I hope I can be that person.

— With much love, lavendermoon