God Doesn’t Exist. I don’t believe in God, yet I still… | by Agnes Kim

I honestly don’t think God exists. I grew up in a Christian household where my parents, brother, and grandparents were all firm believers of God. We went to church every Sunday, got baptized, all had our first communions, and we pray before we eat at every meal.

I hated every part of that. The realist in me wouldn’t let me spend what accumulated to over two hours a week of praying to a deity I don’t know exists. Every time I go to church, I can’t help but think that I’m in a cult because how are there this many adults who just believe this all-mighty being exists, right?

I think part of it was because I was a very worried kid and an overthinker at that. Questions like “Did you have a nice day?” always made me go nuts because how was I supposed to convey this feeling of anxiety and pure joy I had everyday? I still don’t have a good way to explain this emotion. I have yet to see a good way to explain it. I often visualize a vast ocean of black and dark, dark blue then spots of light on it. The lights are never strong though and they seem like reflections of stars in the water.

Somedays, the light is everywhere glowing and lighting up the ocean, making even its ominous depths feel brighter and beautiful. Other days the ocean swallows the light and I don’t see the point in anything any more.

It’s on those days that I wonder if God exists because if he did, why does he give me these miserable days where nothing is able to lift my mood? If He exists, why are some people allowed to live their life without ever having to see the black ocean I so often have to face? If He exists, why isn’t He telling me what I did to deserve this hardship? Why do I have to feel this way when others seem to breeze through life without much effort or thought? Why do I have to work twice as hard, thrice as hard, to do things that come naturally to others?

I didn’t dare voice these thoughts for fear of my family’s reaction. I kept these thoughts buried deep inside me because being religious was a huge part of beung our family. It felt like I couldn’t not be religious and still be in our family.

I’m still not sure if I’m religious or not. I don’t believe that He exists, and I’m not sure He is anything like the Bible says if He does. Yet I still go to church and pray before every meal, still pay 2 dollars (2000 won) every Sunday to the church. So God, if you’re out there, give me a sign that you exist, that you care about me, that you are the powerful, loving being my family believes you to be. Because as of now, for me, God doesn’t exist.

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