Feeling My Way in the Dark — The Fire That Once Burned | by Burnout IT-Guy | Jul, 2025

I used to be quieter. More inward. An introverted observer of the world.
But also wild, somewhere deep inside.
I was into sports, did well in school, met women. Somehow, things just worked. Life flowed.

Then I started playing the workaholic — like so many do.
Pushing myself past my own limits. Faster, more perfect, more everything.
Until I broke down.

Because deep inside, it wasn’t really living anymore — it felt like a constant inner war.
The pressure to succeed. The need to be. And worse — the craving to be perfect.
It wore me down.

Later, I felt this strange urge for redemption.
I wanted to break free. From myself. From this way of thinking, from just being.
Of course, it never worked.

And then came the psychosis — with all its faces.
Since then, something in me has grown quiet.
The inner fire that once burned is now just a flicker.

Sure, there are lights in the dark — like my long-distance relationship, which gives me warmth.
But the urge to constantly prove myself?
I don’t understand it anymore.

Every day feels like an exhausting inner battle.
Just trying to “function” again tears me apart.
I get sick from it. Psychotic.
How did older generations manage all this?
I don’t know.

Maybe the world has just run me through the wringer too many times.
Maybe there’s nothing left inside that wants to run.
And the meds — they keep me upright, but they also hold me back.

So now my life is more of a cautious feeling-my-way-forward.
Like a simple organism.
I stretch out my feelers — see where things might work.
And where I’d better stay away.

It’s no longer a big life.
But it’s my life.
And maybe… that’s enough.