Burnout and What-Ifs. On battling anxiety, endless deadlines… | by zie | Sep, 2025

Burnout. Anxiety. Exhaustion. Words na madalas natin marinig, pero iba pala kapag ikaw mismo ang nakakaranas. Hindi siya simpleng pagod lang na kaya mong bawiin sa isang tulog. It’s the kind of heaviness that stays with you, day after day, hanggang mawalan ka na ng gana sa lahat. This is my story, my rant, my confession.

I’ve been in this school since Grade 7. Big university, well-known, the type of place na kapag sinabi mo you’re studying here, people automatically go “Wow.” Back then, I was proud. But now, Grade 12 na ako — last year na lang sana — and yet dito pa ako halos sumuko. Ironic, right? The closer I get to the finish line, the heavier everything feels.

Since August nagsimula yung classes, I haven’t had a single week with perfect attendance. Sometimes I manage Tuesday and Wednesday, then absent na for the rest of the week. Sometimes just 2 — 3 days lang, then vanish ulit. Not because I don’t care, but because I’m so drained. Burnout, anxiety, exhaustion — lahat sabay-sabay. Every time I wake up, ang bigat na agad ng pakiramdam. Parang may nakadagan sa dibdib na hindi ko matanggal.

The workload doesn’t stop. Quizzes everywhere, deadlines left and right, projects that never seem to end. On top of that, recitations, group works (na minsan sobrang unfair), and the constant pressure of expectations — teachers, classmates, family, and even myself. Everyone wants something from me, pero ako, ubos na. Wala na akong maibigay.

Every day feels like survival mode. Kapag pinilit kong pumasok kahit sobrang bigat, my focus collapses. Kapag nagpahinga naman ako, guilt agad kasi ang dami kong hindi nagawa. Walang panalo. Cycle lang ng pagod at guilt, paulit-ulit.

And here’s my biggest multo: Sana nag-transfer na lang ako nung SHS. Sana nakinig ako sa sarili ko noon na nagsasabing, “Baka mas kaya mo kung lilipat ka.” But I stayed. I thought it would be worth it, I thought I’d be proud of myself. But now, eto ako — stuck, drained, haunted every day by the “what ifs.”

I always wonder: What if lumipat ako? Maybe mas magaan ang load, maybe mas relaxed ang environment, maybe mas kaya kong gumising nang hindi mabigat ang dibdib. Maybe mas may time ako for myself, for my family, for the things I actually enjoy. Maybe mas kaya kong tumawa ng totoo. Maybe hindi ganito ka-draining, hindi ganito ka-loud yung anxiety. So many maybes, but no answers. Because I didn’t choose that path, and now there’s no turning back.

That’s my multo — the what ifs that never leave. They haunt me at night when I can’t sleep. They weigh me down even more, kasi no matter what I do now, I can’t change the decision I made back then. I’m stuck with it, and all I can do is endure.

People tell me, “One year na lang, kaya mo pa.” But what if I can’t? What if this last year is the one that completely breaks me? Is it really worth it to finish strong on paper, if in real life, I’m already in pieces?

Burnout isn’t just about being tired. It’s about watching yourself fade away piece by piece, habang pilit mong pinapakita na okay ka pa. And maybe that’s the scariest part — because right now, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

And the truth is… maybe I never will.