Breaking Away. — red velvet cake and coffee for… | by Yvette Soulle | Aug, 2025

— red velvet cake and coffee for breakfast. cause i am a successful writer. thank you. #gratitude. #notetoself. #succesfulwriterseries. —

“Grew up in a small town and when the rain would fall down, I’d just stare out my window- dreaming of what could be and if I’d end up happy, I would praayyy.” Kelly Clarkson- Breakaway

This song made me cry the first time I heard it. It still does sometimes. Sometimes, now, it makes me smile. It was every unvoiced, but not unheard, desire of my 13 year old heart. (That was in 1984.) When this song was released in 2004, I was 33 years old. Struggling with a new baby. In a relationship with a man that I knew I was going to have to leave < tag The Narc Book> Missing my mother. Feeling apart-disconnected. Alone.

I was trying to figure it all out and feeling like I was a miserable failure. And KNOWING that wasn’t true. The dissonance was crazy. I am still amazed some days when I really consider some of the lessons that I suffered to learn and understand. Some of the things that I choose for myself and by extension for my children. (When I tell you I’m grateful as fuq!) Anyway, this song had such an impact on me. Every line spoke to thoughts that had been on an endless loop in my mind. Sometimes in the background, running silently and waiting for a trigger. Sometimes at the very front, almost dragging me back to 1984. 13 year old me wondering why she did not feel like she fit in anywhere and longing to find people who felt that way too. And that maybe she could just be when she found them. Maybe she would not feel so conflicted or confused or alone. She knew that she was smart. Everyone said so — and also, she KNEW this. She also knew that she felt different. She had questions. She was searching. Not feeling like she fit in with anyone else around her. She was just beginning to understand that she loved the worlds she created in her head more than anything. She wasn’t so alone in those worlds.

33 year old me in 2004 was living- doing all the things for the most part. A good mommy, a good fiancée. (well not really because I had told him nah- LOL) (See The Narc Book…again) 33 year old me was moving into the grey area of desperate for change. With plenty of people and…alone. The consistently growing awareness that she was once again, somewhere she was not supposed to be — well, no, not that. Somewhere that she was released from. Someplace that she was free to move on from. A lesson learned. Then she hears this song. And all the unbridled angst, loneliness, and grief hit her all at once. Hit me all at once. (When did I switch tense? The emotions had me in a strong grip!) How did this Kelly Clarkson girl in 2004 know what 1984 me was feeling??- and so accurately?? 2004 me was confused! I mean, this song impacted me so deeply that years later (today… today years later) I had to look it up to see the actual release date. I believed that it had to have been released in 1984! There was no way that this song could not have been my “in my feelings” anthem, my battle cry, in 1984. (Listen, I know that Kelly Clarkson is younger than me and that the math would not have added up- it’s fine. Really.) It wasn’t though. It was my 2004 battle cry. The one that was connected to my 1984 battle cry. The one that is connected to my 2025 battle cry. I’m still adding songs to that playlist, so I’ll have to get back to you on that, if you’re interested. #battlecryplaylistmaybe?

(Also- Listen, I know that Kelly Clarkson is younger than me and that the math would not have added up- it’s fine. Really. shout out to that lady!)

53 year old me, in 2025, is learning how to allow myself to thrive. Whatever that means for me, every day. I am smart. I am figuring things out. I have a self awareness that feels like knowledge. I know that my life doesn’t have to look the same every day and that it does not need to look like anyone else’s. I’m learning what it really means to break away. There is a level of acceptance to it that I was not aware of before now. Mainly because there was the background soundtrack loop that told me I needed to fit in, to belong somewhere. I understand that is no longer necessary for me. That I’ve created all the belonging I need by simply being me. I understand that now. Does it make me feel less alone? Sometimes.